Dear “That Guy”,

Your ability to drink in excess and ruin 95% of pictures taken at parties gets me hot and bothered. I think it’s uhh… adorable that you maintain your appearance to the point where I question your sexual orientation. I guess I respect the fact that you tweeze, bleach and pluck more than me. The fact that you care about your “fresh kicks getting smudged” more than your future or GPA is super sexy…?

Babe, what happened to you? Before you became “that guy” you were once “just one of the guys.” You were playing Madden instead of photoshopping your Facebook pictures. You couldn’t tell Armani from Target. Your cellphone lived in your pocket instead of clipped to your ribbon belt, and for the love of God, why are you orange-r than an Oompa Loompa?! I liked you without your bromosexuality. I’m not interested in the Brody Jenners or the Gotti wannabes!

Why does your tee shirt have more sparkles on it than Limited Too’s entire Spring Collection circa 1998? These glittery numbers are worsened by being “slim fit” to show off your “killer pecs.” Maybe they work for Hulk Hogan, but they don’t work for you and they definitely don’t work in public. Do society a favor and wear clothes that fit. And if your shirt has a collar? I don’t care if you’ve been popping it ever since you can remember. Old Yeller that nonsense. Put. It. Down. Read More »