The election is less than 4 weeks away, which, obvi, everyone knows since the campaign commercials/ mailings/ phone calls/ SNL skits are EVERYWHERE. All the time. I even hear “I am Barack Obama and I approve this message,” in my freaking SLEEP.

It’s crunch time and Barack Obama and John McCain are popping into new cities every day to tell Americans what they plan to do when they move into the Oval Office.

Which got us thinking.

We know that we could never run for president (there are waaaay too many Facebook albums that could be used as blackmail), but what if we could? So, we asked our writers to weigh in on their Presidential Plans: If they were elected president, what is the first thing they would do? Read More »

I love Barack Obama. LOVE him. I love his policies, I love his speeches and I love the way he looks in a bathing suit. If Michelle hadn’t already nabbed that guy, I would definitely take him home for myself. And, yes, he may have made it into one (or many) of my “do me on the desk in the Oval Office” fantasies.

And now I can live out my fantasies….sorta. Read More »

I am so. hungover. That debate drinking game totally killed me. I woke up this morning hugging a a 40 of PBR with red lipstick smeared all over my cheek…

And I have no idea who won that freaking thing.

Not, I’d like to add, because I was too drunk to see the end of the debate. No, no, no; I watched every last minute. I have no idea who won because neither candidate really threw any major punches.

Biden, presumably afraid to look like a villain, spoke only to the camera the whole time. And Palin just kept saying the same words and doing the same things over and over again: nucULAR, maverick, winking?!

So, I need to know what you think: who won last night’s VP debate?!

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Is that…Brad Pitt?

Oh yeah, ‘peen in slow motion

How the world would vote for our President

Hot and Hotter get married

Surviving a broken heart: week one

 Adnan: could we hate you more?

Oh Posh…you confuse me

Laugh your abs into shape

Heather Locklear’s arrest on tape

Amy Winehouse knows she’s effed

Celebrities need protection too, okay?

Katy Perry: trying too hard?

Sarah Palin had her first interview since joining the McCain campaign last night, and McCain himself - along with Obama - spoke in a televised “kind of” debate at almost the same time. Along with their wordy and vague answers to hard-hitting questions, the Repubs and Dems have been insisting since forever that they’re “one of” us.

A few weeks ago, the Conventions were full of politician life stories; I was once poor, I’ve had some hard times in my life, I come from a small town, I’m just a hockey mom…blah blah blah blah blaaahhh. These would-be presidents and VP’s spend hours convincing us that they understand what it’s like to have bills, to choose between a full tank of gas and certain grocery items, and to raise a family in today’s trying times.

But here’s my question: once you’ve ascended Politician status, are you still really “one of us”? Read More »

I’m smart, and I know about politics. I know who Barack Obama and John McCain should have picked for their vice presidential candidates. I know this because I’m a genius.

Who Obama Should Have Picked

Flavor Flav
Obama’s shown that he has the quick charisma, intelligent flow and moves to be head MC of famed “conscious” rap crew Wyyte-Houzz and M-RIKA, but even the greatest mic rocker can only work the crowd so much. What Obama needs is a dedicated hype man, a man who can properly rep his skills without grabbing too much of the limelight - a man like former Public Enemy member and all-around gentleman Flavor Flav. Sure, it’s a heavy weight to carry around one’s neck, but Flav is used to it.

Paris Hilton
John McCain gets panned for being “too establishment”, “too Bushie”, and too conservative in general. But McCain was quite the Nostradamus, I think, when he highlighted Paris Hilton as an upcoming power player in the field of American politics. What makes her such a compelling choice? She has absolutely no platform. She’s completely Teflon. What are you going to disagree with? Taking McCain’s lead, I predict a future where President Obama will not only give Hilton the vice presidency but will make the Secretary of Defense a ham sandwich. Have you ever won an argument about nuclear policy with a ham sandwich? Neither have I.

A full-length mirror
Really, would anyone else do a better job? Obama may have to bulk up a bit for his reflective debut, since seeing his skinny butt all the time might give him body image issues, but otherwise a mirror image of Obama would be the perfect veep. He’d be harder to assassinate. He could double-team enemy politicians on the basketball court. He’d even pin down that right-handed constituency that’s been eluding him this whole time. Better yet, American citizens would no longer have to worry that the leader of the free world is a vampire. Unless he is. But better to find out now, instead of over Mr. Putin’s pale, bloodless corpse. Read More »

So I know I haven’t written in like forever, but it’s time for me to tell you that me and Benji broke up. I totally thought that me and him would last - like I didn’t think that he’d mind that I had another boyfriend.

But whatever, I’m so over Benji and I am totally hearting Chris now. Nicole can KEEP Benji all to herself now.

My new boyfriend like OWNS MySpace so he can help me redo my page so that way if I wanted to really run for President, he’d make it so that the whole country can vote on my page instead of having to go to those polls. Those are probably like really far and out of the way for everyone. But whatever, the election is like next year so that’s plenty of time. I bet we’ll be married by then!!

I don’t normally like to get so serious - but Blackberry, I’m lonely. Like sure I have sex with any guy who gives me the *look* but I don’t have any girls to call to tell them about my sex or if it burns when I pee. LA is too full of jealous girls whose boobs are bigger than mine so I decided that I’m going to go to London to find my new best friend. I think that it’s in France so that means that we can shop there together and everything. Read More »

Go here for even more hilarity connected to Bush’s Olympic vacation.