It’s September 2nd, which means we must tuck our bikinis back in their drawers, slather ourselves in aloe vera, and hang our heads low as we mourn the coming end of summer. This also means that school is starting again, and for incoming college freshmen this brings a whole new kind of dread.

Sure, you’re excited to meet new people, take classes you chose out of your course catalog, and maybe even explore a new city. But there are things to worry about. A lot of them. Maybe it’s that you’re living away from home for the first time, or living across the country. There are more things you need to be prepared for than just athlete’s foot in the communal showers (plastic sandals will take care of that).

As someone who survived four years and two colleges and managed to graduate with all four of my limbs and at least a bit of dignity, I feel I should imbue on you, humble reader, ten important lessons and tips to help you enjoy college safely and happily, from picking classes to surviving alcohol poisoning.

1. Make orientation week count. I skipped a lot of the activities scheduled for orientation week and later came to regret it. I didn’t want to wake up at 9 AM to go on a tour of Boston, but what I didn’t realize is that a lot of people did wake up at 9 AM to go on a tour of Boston and, in doing so, met all those other people who got up at 9 AM to go on a tour of Boston. You’re not going to meet people if you hole up in your room, so go out as often as you can.

2. Taste-test classes. So you didn’t get into that History of Watching TV class you really wanted to take, go to the first class or two anyway. You’ll be amazed at how many people drop out of the class and a space for you may become available. The same goes for a class with a bad teacher. If sucky prof is teaching a general ed class you have to take, visit the same class taught by a different teacher. In my experience, a great teacher can make any class interesting and enjoyable. Read More »

Listen up incoming freshmen: in a few weeks, you’re going to find yourself on a huge college campus full of more hook-up potential than you could ever dream. In the next few years, some of you will have long-term relationships, while many of you will engage in short-term hook-ups.

There are several types of college relationships that have an urban legend-esque feel to them: the sexy school girl and the married professor, the sexy school girl and the teaching assistant, and, of course, the sexy school girl and the resident assistant.

I have never hooked up with one of my RAs, but that’s because I’ve only ever had female RA’s. Still, I know plenty of people who have dabbled in these waters. I’m not here to condone or condemn the practice, because I’ve certainly had my fair share of regrettable trysts, but I am here to lay out some of the baggage that comes with such a hook up.

First of all, consider the fact that even inter-floor mating can lead to year-long awkwardness. If you fear the inevitable walk of shame, imagine the anxiety that comes with the chance that one of your floormates sees you leaving the RA’s room in last night’s bar clothes. Even if you survive the W.O.S, you risk the rumors and reputation — people are more apt to label someone “the girl that banged the RA” than “the chick who nailed whatshisname in 5B.” Even worse, if you can’t handle the tension of a chance meeting on the elevator (or on the way to the showers), you are biting off more than you can chew with by shacking up with your RA.

Your RA is someone you will probably have to turn to throughout the year. He’ll be the one to let you into your room when you are locked out wearing only a towel. This means he also has the master key to your room (not implying anything, just saying). He’s also someone who will have to keep tabs on you throughout the year. He’ll be writing you up for dorm parties, open containers, and that hole in your wall that you forgot to fix before move-out day. This fact alone can open up a brand new can of worms in Relationship Land. Read More »

I am the biggest. idiot. ever. Why? Because I will be spending one dreaded semester at home. That’s right, I gave up my freedom so that I could come home to spend a little extra time with the ‘rents. No, I’m not one of those people who can’t bear to spend time away from my parents, I just made a couple of mistakes…well, let’s call them choices…

Rewind to the end of senior year when a certain girl was debating between College A and College B. College A is the largest school in North Carolina, is very serious about their sports program (which means tons of fans to party with, plus I love college football) and just happens to be an hour from my boyfriend. College B is a smaller but well-known school located right in the middle of a booming city not to far from my home in Virginia that also happens to house an insane Arts/Fashion program.

Of course, naive senior Amber picked College A so she could get a degree in Fashion but still tailgate, party like crazy and spend time with her beau.

One cringe-worthy break up, one failed class, dozens of racial/socioeconomic clashes and too many drunken nights later I decided that it was time to transfer. My decision was a good one, but was made too late; by the time I submitted my application to another school (College C, I guess), it was impossible to receive housing and a decent financial aid package. Then I remembered good ol’ College B with the awesome Fashion program and decided going there was worth spending one semester at a sh*tty community college while having to obey Mom and Pop’s rules.

Some of you may have decided (or been forced) to stay at home too, or maybe I’m just hoping I’m not the only one that gets upset when I see those back to school commercials with all the cute dorm furniture and kids running through campus. Either way, there are pros and cons to movin’ back in with the rents and I know all about them: Read More »

Another week, another issue to dissect. This week we ask our resident male what he thinks of the infamous Three-Day Rule. Do guys really follow it? Do they really believe it? Should we all put our phones/laptops away for 72 hours until it is “safe” to contact our love interest? Or, just like all rules, is this one meant to be broken?

He Said:
Hmmm. The three-day rule is an interesting phenomenon, and while, like most of these ‘rules,’ I don’t think one needs to hold to it exactly, it does make sense. Basically what you want to do is send a message that you aren’t a completely desperate freak or some over-obsessed ‘I made a doll with your hair’ stalker. This goes for both men and women. Calling right after a date, while direct, says more then just ‘lets get together!’ It says ‘I have nothing to do, ever!’ And that is a warning sign.

One thing that isn’t often mentioned about what we look for in gals is if they have friends and a solid base of activities and hobbies. The last thing we want (assuming we are well-adjusted) is some girl who constantly calls us with updates on her location, what she had for lunch, and what flavor toothpaste she’s considering. We want someone who can go out on a date, have a good time, and then maybe the next day hang out with her friends, or spend some time with their mom, or even just read a book by herself. As someone who values solitude, a girl who likes time alone is very attractive, because it means I will also get time alone. Read More »

While biking up an extraordinarily large and difficult hill in Spin class this morning (made even more difficult by the night of binge drinking that preceded it), I was startled out of my zone by a rather raucous shout of, “COME ON, BABY!” I wasn’t sure who was screaming, or who baby was, but I didn’t care; I lost my groove. I started feeling the pain in my legs, the burning in my quads, and my whole ride was off. But I kept going. And so did she.

“WOO”“LET’S DO THIS!”“PEDAL. DO IT DO IT DO IT.” It was quite clear that this loud and rather burly woman was screaming at herself - pushing herself – but, why? Was there something wrong with internal dialogue?? With all the adrenaline pumping through my body, I wanted to pull a Christopher Carter and knock that bitch off her bike. Read More »

I was born in New York, I live and work and play in New York, and chances are I’ll die in New York (hopefully not too soon). So I’ve taken a lot (lot LOT) of rides on the subway and the Long Island Railroad. And it has mostly sucked.Yesterday, during one subway ride alone, I experienced three (THREE!!!) subway faux pas(es?) during a 45-minute commute. Look, enough is enough. The time has come, my friends! Rules must be set in place. Action must be taken.

So here, for your thoughtful perusal, are my 8 Arbitrary Rules of Public Transportation:

(1) Thou Shall Not Hit Others In The Head With Thy Weave.
I’m minding my own business, listening to Weezer and wondering whether or not I’m going to be late to class, when these two women with orange faces and giant sunglasses (you know what I’m talking about? you know what I’m talking about) get on the train and sit practically on top of me. They are screaming about some other women that they apparently don’t like. And then–Weave Woman, who has the LARGEST blonde ponytail you have ever seen, WHACKS me in the face with her “hair.” This happens four more times before I finally can’t deal and I move. She never says sorry. Weave Woman, learn the rules. Read More »

Thanks a lot Borat and Coach Joseph, but we still don’t understand what a two-point conversion or a punt return is.