Bristol Palin\'s Baby. Scary.

So, I’m tired this morning. All that Democrat bashing
and baby hair licking at the Republican National Convention last night kept me up late. Since I can’t
get productive until this Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte
kicks in (yes, they are back!), I decided to peruse
the interwebs for awhile. And boy did I find a gem.

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Ladies That Will Make You LOL

amy-and-tina.jpgMen have always ruled the comedy scene. From dynamic duos such as Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello and Jay and Silent Bob to teams such as the Happy Madison boys (Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Peter Dante, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson) and the Frat Pack (Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Owen and Luke Wilson and Steve Carrell).

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys. Read More »

Candy Dish: “The Dark Knight” is upon us

Batman Premiere

“The Dark Knight” is upon us! WHO ELSE IS FREAKING OUT?!

Keeping up with the Kardashians…in jail

Sarah and Jimmy split–the Matt Damon video is just awkward now

It’s not the happy ending most girls grow up dreaming about…

“Hey, um, Papa Hulk…were your girlfriend and I separated at birth?”

I don’t know if Hitch would have prescribed an “open relationship”

The new power jobs are in–”socialite” ain’t one of ‘em, Paris!

Off-topic, but I think Jeff Goldblum is really sexy

Radiohead’s new music video is awesome. ‘Nough said.

18-year-old waitress hooks up with a Rolling Stone–and it’s not even Mick or Keith!

[Photo courtesy of Mollygood.com]

I Farted, But You Stink: John Sellers Decides Who’s Sexy

cameron-diaz-nose-job-mtv.jpgLadies of the world: stop your farting. Also, stop burping, spitting, sweating, and digesting food. Details writer John Sellers has spoken, and it’s bad news: we are not getting him off.

I know! I know! Everything that I do is intended to give John Sellers – and, by extension, all men – raging boners. I think of him all day long, from selecting my outfit in the morning until the moment that I slip between the covers to dream of his sweet, manly embrace. I imagine that it’s much the same for you. He is Details writer John Sellers, for God’s sake. The female half of the world hangs on his every byline.

Yet, in his recent piece, “The Hollywood Gross-Out Girls,” it’s clear that we have failed him greatly. It’s ostensibly about women who make fart jokes (or burp jokes, or poop jokes, etc.) and how horrible they are. (I know, right? Having a functional set of organs is totally grody. It’s even worse when women aren’t ashamed of their own bodies! Yuck.) Yet its underlying theme is far simpler: J.S. wants women – all women – to know that their purpose in life is to turn him on.

“It would be one thing if these female Shreks were cut from the same cloth as Roseanne Barr or Rosie O’Donnell,” he writes. “But the trouble is they’re all smoking hot. It’s their job to primp and preen and push stuff up to look sexy.” Read More »

Who’s funnier? Tina Fey or Sarah Silverman

Tina Fey

Tina Fey is far funnier than Sarah Silverman. While I applaud both women, Ms. Fey’s comedy is more polished, snarkier, and smarter. I like Sarah Silverman and was disappointed when Comedy Central stopped playing her show. I think if they’d given it some more time, I might think differently about Ms. Silverman’s abilities.

Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s funny. Trust me, I’m all about crude. If you’re a lover of Cervantes, Rabelais, Boccaccio, etc., you gotta be crude to appreciate those dudes. And that’s just a short, short list of the classics that abound with ribaldry - I’ll spare you the list of contemporaries (and for me, an index of “contemporaries” begin in the nineteenth century).

To be sure, I like that both these comediennes are crude. Again, I think it’s clear that I appreciate and relish vulgar forms of humor, but Ms. Silverman’s whole shtick is simply too unrefined, and that bothers me. Again, I’m not blaming her for being “less” funny than Ms. Fey, as I blame the fact that her show wasn’t allowed to blossom. I hope she’ll find another niche, say HBO, and she’ll have a similar show, and her weirdness and crudity will be put to the test, and for more than just a few seasons. Read More »

We’re F*cking Matt Damon: Affleck’s Downward Spiral Continues

ben_affleck.jpg

The votes are in, and it’s clear: Sarah Silverman is, indeed, living out all of our dreams.

For those of you who haven’t checked YouTube or read gossip blogs or engaged in casual conversation, or, I don’t know, LEFT THE ISOLATED LOG CABINS YOU’VE APPARENTLY BEEN LIVING IN for the past several weeks, the story is as follows: Sarah Silverman gifted her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel, with a lovely music video entitled “I’m F*&king Matt Damon.”

It’s pretty much what you’d expect, although I think the sexually charged dance-off in the middle took us all by surprise. (Another surprise: brilliant, hot-as-hell Sarah Silverman is dating Jimmy Kimmel. Never has there been such a clear visual demonstration of the term “settling.”) Jimmy, not too shy to ride on his lady’s coattails, responded with “I’m F*&king Ben Affleck,” which may be the crowning achievement of his life to date, if only for the fact that it features a singing Don Cheadle.

Yet, singing Don Cheadle aside, most of you seem to feel that Jimmy has come out on the losing end of this deal. A recent CollegeCandy poll shows that, if given the choice, most of our readers would rather be making out with Matt.

Never have I felt such confidence in our readers. Read More »

Jimmy Kimmel is F&*cking Ben Affleck. Nice.

Usually, I feel like Jimmy Kimmel could be funnier than he is. Sometimes I think it has to do with the fact that he’s dating Sara Silverman, who’s ratio of funny/not funny is about 40/60, other times, I just think it has to do with the fact that he’s on late night TV…and anything can make us laugh after 12:05.

Last night, however, Kimmel went above and beyond. He wasn’t only funny, he was awesome.

Why? Because he aired a video in response to Silverman’s “I’m f&*cking Matt DamonYoutube phenomenon. And in this video response…well, let’s just say he got some of the best cameos ever (BRAD PITT, people!!), and was able to reaffirm Ben Affleck’s hotness.

Heidi Montag Takes it “Higher”, I Can’t Stop Laughing

0928_heidi_montag_bikini_beach_09.jpgLike Sarah Silverman, Heidi Montag is a comedienne. She’s got to be, because there is really no other way to explain why she is desperately reaching for a music career and releasing her music video “Higher.”

I wasn’t going to watch it for fear of losing my lunch, but let me break it down for you: remember that Paris Hilton video for “Stars are Blind”? Yeah, this is way, way worse.

When I hit play, I expected to fight the urge to scratch at my eyes or duck for cover if that chin got too close, but 37 seconds of beach frolicking, overly engineered pop sounds and then Heidi’s breathy voice instead caused uncontrollable laughter.

I missed about 40 seconds of the video because I couldn’t stop laughing, but I didn’t miss much.

Because the whole freaking video is this girl and her saline sandbags in the bikini. When she’s not laying on her back or on all fours, she’s doing these weird “Fosse” moves with her gigantic hands and I know that Jack from “Will and Grace” would be all ‘oh, no, honey’ over it. Read More »

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