Apparently, a freaky kind of shrimp wins best eyesight award.

Yeah, that’s right–the little scamp(i)s have better vision than every other freaking animal in the world. Go fig.

My favorite line in the article is “Just why Gonodactylus smithii needs this level of rarefied vision is unclear, although the researchers suspect it is to do with food and sex.” Because, really, what doesn’t have to do with food and sex?

But the article really got me thinking. I mean, I have bad vision. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was three years old. I now wear contacts, but, frankly, my astigmatism keeps them from being completely effective. But I wear ‘em anyway, because I am Vainy McVainstein. (Not to be confused with Veiny McVeinstein, who is a much less pleasant character.) But, as usual, I digress.

Here are the top 5 things I wish I could see (and which I WOULD see if God loved me and had let me be born as a shrimp):

(5) Robert Downey Jr. in his most, ahem, intimate moments. Read More »

I hereby announce to all ye partying people that BBQ season is upon us!

I grew up in a family that used just about any occasion to throw stuff on a grill and stand over it with tongs, and therefore, I’m completely licensed in the art of barbecology.

Some people can write math equations a mile along, some people can paint amazing pictures of a stormy sea, but yours truly…she can BBQ like nobody’s business.

I’ve been asked to share my knowledge of open-flamed gluttony with you.

JALAPENO, STUFFED WITH SHRIMP AND CHEESE, WRAPPED IN BACON.

The name might be long, but it’s tastefully accurate. These little treats impress the masses and leave you pondering whether pigs and shrimp were soulmates in past lives. Split jalapenos in half, smooth in cream or cheddar cheese. Plop a little shrimpy in there and wrap that sh*t in bacon. Booyah. Read More »

Ah, the conundrum that is holiday office parties. More often than not, the liquor is plentiful and free, everyone’s in a good mood, and the hors d’oevres spread out all around you is some of the best food you’ve eaten in months.

Free liquor and all-you-can-eat miniature crab cakes?! What’s not to go crazy about?

But aye, there’s the rub. Getting liquored up and stuffing your face with scallops wrapped in bacon in front of your boss? Not the best idea. Screaming and running to the dance floor when the generic DJ starts up “Living on a Prayer” isn’t going to win you any mature points. Oh, and hitting on people you’re undoubtedly going to see the next morning bright and early?

Mistake.

So how is a person supposed to enjoy themselves but stay out of trouble this holiday office party season? Simple. Just follow a few straightforward rules. Read More »