So, uh, I quit. I quit Master Cleansing.

I tried to talk myself in to sticking it out. I really did. I kept telling myself all the little motivators I mentioned in my last update. I told myself that if all sorts of other people could do it, I damn well could. I told myself that not only were all my friends and family aware I was doing it, but I was broadcasting it on the internet – to quit would mean failure, and everyone would know.

But then I went to the gym. And I’m totally one of those sick people who genuinely enjoys the gym. I love to sweat, use my muscles, feel all strong and healthy and accomplished. And when I found myself sprawled out on the workout mats, head all fuzzy and discombobulated, too tired and pissed off to do a crunch or run on the treadmill, I thought, this is totally moronic. I’m miserable. I don’t care if I’m so loaded with fucking toxins that I mutate in to the Incredible Hulk, this Master Cleanse sh*t has got to stop.

So, I gathered up my stuff, walked out of the gym, walked to the closest cafe, bought a parfait, and f*%king chowed down. And it was AWESOME. Immediately, everything turned around. I was cheerful, happy, energetic, ready to run on the treadmill and hang out with my boyfriend and paint my room and do all the things that seemed utterly insurmountable while I was living off of f*%king syrup and lemon juice. Read More »

Let it be known that day three of the Master Cleanse really, really blows.

My day started off OK. I woke up in good spirits feeling ready to take on another day without food when I remembered that it was time for my massive morning dosage of salt water. The night before, I had premixed my oral enema and left it next to my bed in the hopes that I would then drink it immediately when I awoke and I would be so out of it that I wouldn’t fully realize what I was doing. And it worked. At least, a third of the way through it, it worked.

After that I was left to choke down the rest, and though it proved to be more effective than yesterday, I came to the conclusion that a belly full of salt water is no way to kick things off. Tomorrow I’ll be entrusting my a.m. colon purge to Chocolate Smooth Moves; because I’m already struggling to find reasons to wake up in the morning without that staring me in the face. Read More »

I am not a diet kind of girl. I’ve never South Beached, or Jenny Craiged, or SlimFasted, or Atkinsed, or Raw…Fooded. In fact, I’ve never adhered to any particular eating program in my life. When it comes to my body, I’m a firm believer in working out and eating healthy as much as possible, but if I want beer and pizza, I’m will guzzle beer and munch pizza to my heart’s content.

Which is why the next ten days are going to be a real bitch.

See, I’ve decided to Master Cleanse, which means that for the next week and a half, I will be consuming no food, no caffeine, no alcohol. The only thing I will be putting in my body is six to twelve 10-oz glasses per day of a concoction consisting of lemon juice, maple syrup, water, and cayenne pepper. Oh, and laxative tea in the evening, and a salt water “oral enema” in the morning. Yum yum! Read More »