America’s Next Top Model is coming back for its 74th season!!

Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit as Tyra ramps up for cycle 11. But there have been so many seasons that my beloved Fug Girls have chosen an all-star cast because the show seems to be less about modeling and more about being fierce and Tyra’s bowls of crazy and Miss J’s hair.

So where are these top models anyway? Adrianne Curry married a Brady. I see Jaslene Gonzalez on gossip sites where bloggers forever criticize her gaunt frame. I think that I’ve seen Danielle Evans in an ad or two. Karl Lagerfield, while obnoxious, is right - the show is never going to turn out the world’s next supermodel. If the show didn’t turn out ten supers before this, why keep it up?

Tyra, I beg you to stop after this cycle. Unless you can turn out another Jade for me or clone Nigel Barker for my bedroom, I’m worn out.

Heather in last week’s photo shoot

In case you missed it (shame on you!), here’s your America’s Next Top Model recap!

I know it’s trendy to hate Tyra, but I think I kind of love her. Who else would make a ANTM challenge out of having models serve as muses for seemingly crazy student fashion designers creating dresses out of an Easter-blue three-piece skirt suit? The designers all seem confused, but all of the dresses actually come out looking great.

Once the models all have to do a runway walk showing off the designs, coupled with saying a few lines about how they inspired their dress, it becomes clear what the actual purpose of the challenge was—cringe-worthy awkward NEVERENDING silence from Heather, who draws a blank when she gets to the end of the runway. Seriously. Longest silence ever.

Silence that went into commercial. Read More »

10 models left and a whole lot of drama to look forward to. That’s right, it’s time for your America’s Next Top Model recap!

And who knew a bunch of girls could make a house look like the aftermath of a week-long frat party? Words are exchanged about “respect” and such, which inevitably means a huge blow-out fight is brewing about who left their cereal bowl in the sink or pubes in the shower.

Looks like the overall theme for this week is “try not to die,” with Tyra serving up one death-defying stunt after another. Is she PMSing? The girls start off this week learning to pose during movement—specifically, jumping on a trampoline and striking a pose, which proves to be difficult and mildly dangerous for some. And as if that wasn’t awkward enough, the second-hand embarrassment continues the next day, with the challenge being to pose in the air. On an ice-skating rink. I’m sorry, but if you’re having trouble jumping on a bouncy trampoline, I’m afraid that ice won’t help matters. Read More »

America’s Next Top Model got batsh*t crazy last night, when the girls practiced runway walking while wearing straightjackets. Seriously.

Miss Jay explained that often in couture shows, you have to walk in constricting costumes. Which is a fine explanation and all if more than a handful of past ANTM contestants have ever walked on a runway after the show.

The green van takes the girls back to the house, where Bianca calls Saleisha “borderline plus-size,” which, you know, makes me the poster child for morbid obesity.

Bianca goes on to say that she’ll “bring bitches down,” and will stoop to cutting up clothes, but don’t let the red hair fool you! She’s a real model and she can be couture!

Uh, what? Someone needs anger management classes a bit more than runway training, methinks.

A couture runway show is up next, and I’m officially in love with Victoria. She has the most interesting face in the competition other than Janet. Saleisha wins the challenge and Bianca sneers and bitches and makes me loathe her more.

The bondage theme of the episode continues with a photo shoot involving ropes and couture. You know, just another day climbing a rock wall in a designer gown. My favorites were Heather and Victoria (sorry Janet!), but the whole thing just didn’t do much for me. Read More »

Is it just me or is this cycle of America’s Next Model the best one yet? And by “best,” clearly I mean “most unrealistic, annoying, and completely addictive.”

Last night’s episode, the second of the cycle, “keeps our Earth good,” (thanks, Mila) with a green-friendly van for the girls. It takes the girls to their new house, where half of the models manage to fit into one bathtub.

Tyra continues Awareness Crusade 2007 with the photoshoot, an anti-smoking campaign, where Mila laughs at chemo and everyone points out Heather’s awkwardness even though she’s really not acting in any abnormal way.

In fact, she’s made the first intelligent comment of the episode, when she says that the bitch-fighting between Bianca and Lisa is giving her a headache.

Next up is a shopping spree at…Old Navy. Um. Budget cuts, Tyra?

The pick on Heather-athon continues, with Jenah’s comment that Heather doesn’t know what’s trendy. I didn’t realize that a symptom of Asperger’s is bad fashion sense, but hey, what do I know? Oh, and Ebony forgets to put on pants.

Then the girls come home, where the girls continue bashing on Heather, except for Victoria, who, in her own snooty way, is growing on me. Sure she kind of feels like she’s better and smarter than the other girls, but, well, I’d probably feel the same way. Read More »