I’m smart, and I know about politics. I know who Barack Obama and John McCain should have picked for their vice presidential candidates. I know this because I’m a genius.

Who Obama Should Have Picked

Flavor Flav
Obama’s shown that he has the quick charisma, intelligent flow and moves to be head MC of famed “conscious” rap crew Wyyte-Houzz and M-RIKA, but even the greatest mic rocker can only work the crowd so much. What Obama needs is a dedicated hype man, a man who can properly rep his skills without grabbing too much of the limelight - a man like former Public Enemy member and all-around gentleman Flavor Flav. Sure, it’s a heavy weight to carry around one’s neck, but Flav is used to it.

Paris Hilton
John McCain gets panned for being “too establishment”, “too Bushie”, and too conservative in general. But McCain was quite the Nostradamus, I think, when he highlighted Paris Hilton as an upcoming power player in the field of American politics. What makes her such a compelling choice? She has absolutely no platform. She’s completely Teflon. What are you going to disagree with? Taking McCain’s lead, I predict a future where President Obama will not only give Hilton the vice presidency but will make the Secretary of Defense a ham sandwich. Have you ever won an argument about nuclear policy with a ham sandwich? Neither have I.

A full-length mirror
Really, would anyone else do a better job? Obama may have to bulk up a bit for his reflective debut, since seeing his skinny butt all the time might give him body image issues, but otherwise a mirror image of Obama would be the perfect veep. He’d be harder to assassinate. He could double-team enemy politicians on the basketball court. He’d even pin down that right-handed constituency that’s been eluding him this whole time. Better yet, American citizens would no longer have to worry that the leader of the free world is a vampire. Unless he is. But better to find out now, instead of over Mr. Putin’s pale, bloodless corpse. Read More »

That’s right. Sylvester Stallone, who’s like 60 years old or something, has just inked a deal to star in two more films with his Rambo producers.

Strangely enough, Stallone’s two new (yet so old) films “Rocky Balboa” and “Rambo” actually did well at the box office, which means people still want to see this dude kick major ass with either his fist or a giant gun.

While I’m sure Stallone will create more movies based around testosterone and sparse dialogue (say what you want about him, but the guy understands his limitations), I doubt either of them will solve the burning question I’ve had since I was forced to watch the first Rambo movie:

What’s with the bandana?! Read More »