I watch a lot of TV, and since I’ve been homebound for a few weeks because of surgery, I have been watching more TV than should be legally allowed in the United States. Most nights, there are previews for NEW FALL SHOWS!! every 3.2 seconds, and having watched my fair share of these previews, I’d like to make a list of a few of these new dramatic ventures. A list in which I try to determine what the show is about, and how long it will go without being cancelled, from only the actors and title.

* Bad Mother’s Handbook - ABC - (premires: Midseason) With a cast that includes Megan Mullally, Alicia Silverstone, and Arrested Development’s Alia Shawkat, there is the potential for this comedy to either turn out okay or really, really suck. Mullally has Will and Grace, but she also has that horrible talk show that failed harder than Jessica Simpson’s country album. Silverstone has Clueless and she loves animals, but she’s also made a boatload of horrible movies. Based on the title, I’d say we have a situation comedy where Mullally predictably plays a hard drinking, irresponsible mother, and Silverstone plays her lovable and cheerful daughter. Hijinks ensue. Hijinks that will probably go on for about 5 episodes before getting the ax.

Gary Unmarried - CBS - (premieres: Wednesday, Sept. 24, 8:30 pm/ET) Jay Mohr and Paula Marshall (??) no doubt play either a husband and wife, a divorced-yet-still-talking husband and wife, or a shticky guy who can’t find a mate and his ever reliant best female friend. Jay Mohr tends to be funny 20% of the time. I have no idea who Paula Marshall is. And I’m so freaking tired of comedies where it’s all about finding a significant other. I predict maximum suckage and cancellation after 2 episodes. Read More »

David Militello is adorable…so adorable that the earth may implode under the weight of his toothy grin and little kid high-notes. Little David auditioned for America’s Got Talent awhile back and made it through to Las Vegas, the AGT equivalent of Hollywood Week.

Before he left, The Hoff made this prediction/menacing threat:

“He is going to steal the hearts of every American watching the show.”

That prophecy came to fruition during last night’s two-hour Vegas episode. The judges whittled the 113 acts down to 60, and on Thursday they’ll cut 20 more before the pool of contestants is set for the live episodes.

David upped his game and with two minor additions that made it impossible for the judges to send him packing; a little tuxedo, and an alliance with the youngest contestant in the competition, Kaitlyn Maher. Separate they are just two cute little kids, but put them together (holding hands no less!) and the viewing public is powerless. The two little ones beat out individuals three times their age (in their own age bracket no less) and both moved on to the semi-final round. But were we surprised? Voting them off would be like putting Milo & Otis to sleep. Read More »

Everyone on America’s Got Talent has a tragedy-riddled childhood, rife with addiction, overworked parents, a bout with homelessness, etc. Tonight’s contestants were no exception. The editing, sappy music and tears were actually more entertaining than tonight’s crop of piss-poor talent.

To prove my point, tonight’s episode was only an hour long and here’s how the time broke down:

22 Minutes Of Commercials
35 Minutes of Sob Stories
10 Minutes of The Hoff yelling unintelligible nonsense
2 Minutes of Talent

I’m no statistician but I think that’s about right.

Meet Kyle Rifkin, a prime example of one of the many sad sacks to grace the AGT stage. He’s got talent alright…talent for telling the saddest story ever. He sang on the street for nickels people. NICKELS. Grab a tissue or a free sleeve and let it all out.

Cross your fingers for a better episode next week. We need more crazies!