Alright, Johansson, we’re gonna throw down, right here, RIGHT NOW.

Look, when you stepped out at the 2006 Golden Globes in that red dress that made me hate myself for a month, I said nothing. I sucked it up, bought a bra with gel inserts, and went on a diet.

When you became Woody Allen’s newest muse, stumbling through his manic dialogue with 34% accuracy, I let it go. Nobody can really do Woody Allen’s dialogue, so it was fine that you sucked.

And a few months ago, when I learned you were releasing an album of Tom Waits covers, I bit my tongue and pretended the idea of you attempting to understand the complicated, weather-beaten genius that is Mr. Waits didn’t feel like a dull spoon digging into my brain.

But this, THIS is too much. Dating Reynolds for only a year, and then somehow getting him to propose to you?! I’m not sure if you knew this, Scarlet, but after he and Alanis split, he was so slated to start dating me.

Whatever. All I have to say is watch your back. Especially if you come to New York City and happen to stumble into a dark alleyway in the East Village. Because I’ll be there.

…Right after I dismantle my R.R shrine and cry for a full 24 hours.

That’s right. Another actress with no known singing talent is putting out an album, and this time, instead of letting a 50-year-old man write her words and a computer sing for her, she’s going to do covers. 10 covers. From one artist.

Due to be released May 20th, Anywhere I Lay My Head will feature Johansson’s voice and Tom Waits’s music. Yes. Tom Waits. The guy who sounds like he eats rocks for breakfast and occasionally slides metal across trashcans (but who knows how to write a great, complicated lyric).

How many of you out there can picture Scarlett listening to one Tom Waits song, let alone 10?

I can’t. Besides, how can you sing a T.W song if the only hardship you know is being chased into the Chateau Marmont by paparazzi?

Ugh. Whatever. Money might not be able to buy you love, but it can sure buy a CD deal.

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