These are the things I know about Jessica Simpson:

1. She is blonde.
2. She has little/no talent.
3. She once confused tuna and chicken.
4. She is ridiculously gorgeous and happens to be dating someone else who is ridiculously gorgeous.
5. She kisses with her eyes open?
6. She loves sex.

I mean, how else would you explain this quote she recently gave to Australia’s Daily Telegraph?

“I’d love six kids running around, but I guess I’ll have to start pretty soon.”

Six?! Six hot-but-totally-dumb children? She does realize that all those kids won’t give her Angelina’s career or worldwide respect, right? I mean, what is she thinking?

Unless this is her plan to get another reality show: Newlyweds meets Jon and Kate Plus 8…

I don’t know about you, but I am scared. And Jessica should be too; babies mean weight gain and stretch marks and getting all dowdy… without that killer body, this girl has nothing.

I could say a lot of things about this picture (one of them being why anyone over the age of 16 would wear a shirt with a lame catch phrase on it), but I think mostly, it speaks completely for itself.

[photo from www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com]

Pandas pressured to procreate–would some panda porn help?

Disney perpetuates false expectations one bridal gown at a time

“The Hills” movie–would you really expect anything less?

Did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tie the knot?

Hey mom, can I borrow $4,000 to go to Porn Camp this summer?

Celeb birthday bash I least want to attend

On second thought, Maury–I’ll take care of that paternity test, OK?

John Mayer is awesome. Got it?

Paris Hilton: “I’m an inspiration”

I don’t care what you say: Madonna is fierce

• Hillary exposes her inner Tracy Flick in this video.

• Spencer & Heidi will have a fake wedding after all.

• Diane Keaton drops the F-Bomb on GMA.

• The Best Thing to Ever go on Sale on Craigslist EVER?

• Underwear is outerwear in 2008.

• John Mayer wants football fans to back off of Jessica Simpson.

The holidays are a perfect time of year to sit back and reflect on what we’re most thankful for. Family, friends, warmth, PRESENTS…you know, all the good stuff life has brought us during the last 365 days.

Two things I am very thankful for this year? That I am not Jessica Simpson or Britney Spears.

At one time two of the hottest, most enviable babes out there, these days it’s hard for me to choose which one it would suck to be the most. To help me decide (and because I’m a little OCD), I’m complied a list.

If I was Jessica, I Would:

• Make movies that go straight to video
• Curse Tony Romo
• Have a dad who is certifiably smarmy
• Have sold my soul to MTV
• Have an untalented sister considered more talented than me
• Be known mostly for my boobs
• Own a website that looks like a high-quality ebay store Read More »