We’ve all seen them, whether they’ve been meandering along a random street corner or flashing frightened doe looks in the subway…I’ve been one, you’ve been one, we’ve all been one. That’s right, I’m talking about tourists; those people who don’t belong here but are visiting anyway.

While they can be cute to watch for awhile, for the most part it is extremely annoying to be walking along a street while fifty people surrounding you are walking at a glacial pace in order to take pictures of the same thing. You try not to bother with these flowery shirt folks, but it’s pretty inevitable that you will eventually come across one sooner or later.

So no matter where you are, here are some ways to spot, and hopefully avoid, tourists.

An abundance of fanny packs: Fanny packs seem to be the universal fashion wear for any tourist and a prime target to look for when spotting said tourist. These extra hip appendages also come in handy for any muggers looking for fresh meat.

Anyone wearing a fanny pack might as well be wearing a shirt that says ‘I AM A TOURIST! ROB ME!’ Not only are you making yourself easy bait for pick pockets and other crazy people, but these zippered pouches just look plain stupid hanging from your side like that. The fact is, whether you’re a tourist or not, fanny packs are never, ever, considered sexy. Now take it off and put your wallet in your pocket where it’s supposed to be. Read More »

So I just got back from three very long days of vacationing with my folks.

I mean, VERY long.

Here’s the thing: it totally sucked. I mean, I love spending time with my parents. I do. We get along very well. But three days of touristing in some random little rural town without any break from my parents EVER just isn’t my idea of a good time.

So here are a few tips that I wish I knew before I went. Good luck, you poor brave souls.

(1) Insist on having at least a little say in the location.

Okay, we went to this town in upstate NY (5 hours from their house, 3 from my apartment) for seemingly no reason. When I was informed, I did not question. Foolishly, I said instead, “Whatever you guys want.” Fatal mistake. You see, my mother decided that we just HAD to go see this giant kaleidoscope. Yes, that’s right: apparently, the basis of this trip was a giant kaleidoscope.

Anyway, we finally get to the stupid thing and they take one look at it and my dad says, “I’m not paying 10 bucks a person for this!”, my mom says, “I can’t lean on this thing for 7 minutes!”, and next thing I know we’re back at the motel trying to figure out what to do for the next three days. Read More »

I spend a lot of time telling myself to relax.

Relax, I tell myself. It’s okay that you didn’t have time to straighten your bangs this morning–no one is looking at you. It’s okay that you just said something really stupid to a tourist on the subway–no one is noticing you. No one else really knows you exist. RELAX.

Unfortunately, my seemingly-insane paranoia was validated yesterday.

My boyfriend and I went into a diner that I haven’t been to for about three years. And this is Manhattan, right, so there have been millions of patrons since the last time I’ve been there. And I was never a regular customer or anything like that.

So yesterday I’m in this diner and the waiter brings me my cup of tea and he says, didn’t you used to wear glasses? i remember you–you came in here a few years ago.

And I almost peed myself. Read More »

The Big Apple, overflowing with culture, history, the best food in the world, theater, museums and galleries, is also overflowing with; tourist traps. Double decker buses line street corners, and are indeed a tempting ride to take (and actually, if you get a good guide, they’re pretty fun.)

Though there are definite must see’s; Central Park, Times Square, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Ellis Island and a Broadway show, the city has hidden gems around each corner that you may not notice if you’re too busy trying to find the windows of TRL at the MTV building, or listening to a tired tour guide give you the same surface speech he’s given twenty times that day.

First, you must know: THE FOOD IN NYC IS OUTSTANDING. You could hop into most “hole in the walls” and have an incredible dinner, so I’ll give you some of my personal favorites: Read More »

I love Gawker. I really do. They get the best emails.

Like this one, a three day “New York at Christmas” itinerary sent by a local new yorker to some out-of-town friends.

At first glance, the detailed activities sound fun (even though the writer of the itinerary seems A) kinda controlling and B) permanently hyped up on Red Bull), but any long time resident of this city can tell you that participating in Traditional New York Christmas Time Tourist Stuff is actually less about “fun” and more about “depression, fear, anger, and rage”.

To help illustrate, I’ve made some translations (in bold) about certain suggested activities detailed in the Gawker’s smuggled letter:

• “There is typically parking on my street. If not, there is a parking lot next to my building that does parking by the day. I want to say it’s under $15. I can find out for sure if that interests you.” – Inexplicably, you will end up spending $150 by the end, that is, if you don’t accidentally get too close to a fire hydrant, which will push the total parking expenses up to $300.

• “Pack as little as possible, there is NOT a lot of space!” – Dude, my apartment can hardly accommodate me. Hope you’re not Claustro! Read More »