Let it be known that day three of the Master Cleanse really, really blows.

My day started off OK. I woke up in good spirits feeling ready to take on another day without food when I remembered that it was time for my massive morning dosage of salt water. The night before, I had premixed my oral enema and left it next to my bed in the hopes that I would then drink it immediately when I awoke and I would be so out of it that I wouldn’t fully realize what I was doing. And it worked. At least, a third of the way through it, it worked.

After that I was left to choke down the rest, and though it proved to be more effective than yesterday, I came to the conclusion that a belly full of salt water is no way to kick things off. Tomorrow I’ll be entrusting my a.m. colon purge to Chocolate Smooth Moves; because I’m already struggling to find reasons to wake up in the morning without that staring me in the face. Read More »

So a big part of the Master Cleanse is expelling the toxins you loosen while doing it, otherwise known as pooping. So last night before bed, as per Stanley Burroughs’ instructions, I tossed back a cup of herbal laxative tea (hilariously named Chocolate Smooth Moves, no joke) and went to sleep. Then this morning I woke up and, also as per Stanley Burroughs’ instructions, fashioned myself an “oral enema” - a quart of water with 2 teaspoons of uniodized sea salt dissolved in it - and chugged it. That’s right, while my roommate sat muching her bowl of Kashi Cinnamon Biscuits, I had 4 frickin’ cups of salt water for breakfast.

Immediately after guzzling the truly foul concoction, I supposedly had an hour in which I would be pooping my brains out. As I had developed a stomach ache and was kind of hating life, I opted to spend this hour taking a nap, during which I had a dream that I was eating a Subway Veggie Sub, only to realize halfway through that I was supposed to be Master Cleansing and got really pissed at myself. I woke up starving and made myself a lemonade, then promptly fell back asleep. I woke up at 12:15 in the afternoon without having pooped at all, nor having any need to.

Well, at least I drank all that salt water. Read More »

I know lots of people who swear by fasts.

Three day grapefruit fasts, weeklong juice regimes, monthly cleanses, I’ve heard them all, and haven’t wanted to try a single one.

Call me strange, but I’m a fan of food. I’m no holy profit or international peace symbol, and since shrugging off my Roman Catholicism, feel no guilt for eating a sandwich on Good Friday. Basically, I have no need to give up food I work two jobs to pay for.

My friends go on and on about the health benefits of fasting, but I’ve always felt eating a regular healthy diet has it’s own health benefits—with the added incentive of energy.

While I totally respect and appreciate people who abstain from food for religious reasons, I’ve just never been the kind of girl to equate being hungry with being healthy.

That was until I realized a good friend of mine, who is completely normal and well adjusted in every way, regularly fasted on Sundays.

“All I drink is green tea” she told me a few weeks ago when I asked her why she wasn’t joining me for lunch, and explained that flushing out her body and relaxing once a week was one of the best things she’d ever done for herself.

While my friend is on the thin side, she watches her weight very closely, and explained that giving her body one day a week to “get rid of toxins” in a simple, easy way has really helped her maintain her weight. Read More »