You know it’s going to be a long week when the only thing you have to look forward to is the season finale of America’s Next Top Model.

Hypothetically, of course.

The three remaining girls, Saleisha, Chantal, and Jenah, battled it out for the last two spots with a CoverGirl commercial. Jaslene even makes an appearance, looking even manlier than usual, to coach the girls. They all, more or less, did a good job on it, though Mr. Jay did find some time to scold Jenah for letting her insecurity come off as bitchiness.

Pot calling the kettle bitchy, perhaps?

The girls then headed home to have the same “I’m so going home conversation they have before every elimination—the ANTM equivalent of the “I’m so fat,” “No, you’re not. I’m totally fatter.”

It’s Jenah that gets sent home the next day, and I can’t say I’m too distraught over it. I’m a fan of her pictures, but during panel she always looks messy and congested to me. Read More »

This week, the girls go on go-sees, which made me hate Saleisha for the first time. She did some major ass-kissing and and just came off really fake. It doesn’t seem like any of the girls do particularly well, and only Bianca and Saleisha make it back from the go-sees on time.

The rest of the girls are disqualified from the challenge for arriving late, so the competition isn’t too tough, but it’s Bianca that wins the challenge.The next morning, the models head over to their photoshoot, where they’re greeted by Mr. Jay, sexy Nigel, and (fake) lions and dragons. The goal is to stand out in a crowd. Is Nigel eligible to win? He’s clearly the prettiest.

Jenah is up first and doesn’t impress me much. Does anyone else think she looked like she looked like an awkward teenager playing dress-up with all that makeup? Saleisha does a decent job, as does Bianca once she finds her groove. Chantal is critiqued for looking like a showgirl, and Heather falls flat as well. Read More »

Pack your bags—you’re going to China with America’s Next Top Model!

The drama began almost as soon as the girls arrived, when the six of them fought over the five beds in their penthouse. And by “fought,” I mean that Saleisha grabbed a bed for herself that was clearly huge enough for at least two people or an orgy or something. She refused to share it with Heather, which the rest of the girls, namely Bianca, found soooo funny.

Heather failed to get the joke, as did I.

The models head to movie studio where the girls are taught martial arts, and then are immediately put to the test when they have to do the poses…on wires, suspended in air. Bianca continues to annoy me when she manages to come across bitchy talking about her fear of heights and how she’d rather be shopping.

I guess I agree with her on something—I’d rather she was shopping than in the competition too! She refuses to go up and it’s Heather that wins the challenge. And her prize, ironically, is a shopping spree.

The next morning, the girls head to shoot a CoverGirl ad and commercial, which always makes me cringe with second-hand embarrassment. Saleisha is first shooting the commercial, and totally kills it. Heather fell flat, even with Mr. Jay feeding her the lines, and I died a little bit inside watching it. Chantal makes it work too, but when Lisa gets up there, she looks like she’s about to cry.

And then she does. I wish I could make fun of her, but I’ve been known to throw up from nerves before reading a speech in class, so I’m not really one to talk here. Read More »

Heather in last week’s photo shoot

In case you missed it (shame on you!), here’s your America’s Next Top Model recap!

I know it’s trendy to hate Tyra, but I think I kind of love her. Who else would make a ANTM challenge out of having models serve as muses for seemingly crazy student fashion designers creating dresses out of an Easter-blue three-piece skirt suit? The designers all seem confused, but all of the dresses actually come out looking great.

Once the models all have to do a runway walk showing off the designs, coupled with saying a few lines about how they inspired their dress, it becomes clear what the actual purpose of the challenge was—cringe-worthy awkward NEVERENDING silence from Heather, who draws a blank when she gets to the end of the runway. Seriously. Longest silence ever.

Silence that went into commercial. Read More »

Put on your skinny jeans—you’ve got Tyra Mail!

After some Heather-bashing on Bianca’s part, the girls start this week of America’s Next Top Model off in nude bodysuits, learning how to move in a sexy way. They practice their sexy runway walks and their “wall slides,” before putting on knee pads to crawl across the floors. ANTM is getting x-rated! Bianca looks like she’s crawling across the desert for the last drop of water on earth, and gets miffed when Heather gets praised for what Bianca thinks is an awkward performance.

The next morning, the ladies pile into the van and head off to shoot a music video. With Enrique Iglesias. Finally, a believable challenge! The girls act surprisingly aloof after meeting him, whereas I’m practically hyperventilating on my living room couch, but hey, I guess “dripping with sex” isn’t everyone’s type. Lisa and Heather get picked to be featured in the video, which doesn’t exactly thrill Bianca. I’m sensing a theme for this episode. Read More »

Like me, if you settled into the couch Wednesday night, popcorn in hand, awaiting some supermodel drama, you were probably disappointed to find that America’s Next Top Model was just a recap, devoid of new Tyra-isms, melodramatic judging, and what-will-they-do-next photoshoots.

Hopefully you took the disappointment like a lady, and used the recap episode as an opportunity to make asinine judgments and predictions as to this cycle’s winner. I know I did!

To recap the recap, so far we’ve said tearful goodbyes to clueless but loveable Mila, forgettable Kimberly (who?), snooty Yale priss Victoria, bikini waxer Janet, and ice queen Ebony. I’m still mourning the loss of Janet, who SO deserved to win, and not just because she pretended to give Tyra a bikini wax during the first episode—but alas, I’ve had to name new favorites, predict my new top 3, and of course, speculate as to why each girl will get kicked off.

My completely unscientific yet completely overthought conclusions about the girls still in the running: Read More »

There are a few pick-me-ups I rely on to get me through a rough week of classes and work—beer, Red Bull, my weekly belly dancing class, and of course…Tyra Banks! In case you missed your hump-day dose of impossibly thin and tall women participating in totally unrealistic but nonetheless enthralling photo shoots, I’m here to catch you up.

This week on America’s Next Top Model, things get yummy when model Tyson Beckford comes to the house and has the girls act as spokeswomen for items in their kitchen. The word “moist” is thrown around a lot, thanks at least in part to Tyson Beckford’s presence, I’m sure.

I’m glad to see Tyra’s whole awareness and environment crusade goes further than the first episode, with both the challenge and the photo shoot spreading a good message. First, for their challenge, the girls film a public service announcement for Keep A Child Alive (they’re the ones behind the “I Am African” campaign) in teams of three. No one does particularly well, but Jenah, Ambreal, and Heather win.

Heather gets a photo shoot with Mary J. Blige, while the other two get gift baskets, which, uh, sucks. Read More »

What’s more comically traumatic than getting a rash “cut it all off” haircut that makes you look less sexy and fierce and more gender-ambiguous? Getting it against your will on national television, ANTM-style!

That’s right, it’s the episode of reality television that I look forward to most…the makeover episode of America’s Next Top Model!

“Like a butterfly, a true top model must be willing to undergo a total metamorphosis,” reads the TyraMail, sending the girls into a chorus of excited screams and giggles, which of course will soon turn into tears, sneers, and perhaps a nervous breakdown, if Tyra has her way!

Tyra shows the girls what to expect this time, with the help of digital imaging, and off they go! Read More »