You know those mornings. The ones when you and your girlfriends gather from your various places of shacking over lots of water and ibuprofen to remind each other of the hilarity that went down the night before. Amid all of the laughter (and reviewing of pictures….to jog your memory), you suddenly realize just what happened: the worst thing ever. And it was horrible. And it may or may not have been one of these:

5. A lost wallet and/or clutch. This is particularly disturbing because it is usually the first thing that hits you in the morning, well before you’ve had any time to nurse the hangover you earned. It feels very similar to being on a deserted island that smells strongly of vodka and lime. You are cell-less, cutting off contact with the outside world. With credit card whereabouts unknown and no proof of identity, you are left defenseless against fraud. If you are underage, there is the heavy burden of finding a new fake i.d. The brand new lip gloss and powder from MAC that you inevitably JUST bought are gone forever. Worst of all, your dear, loyal, and perfectly fashionable clutch will never be wedged into your armpit for pictures or table dancing ever again. R.I.P. Limited edition Coach Python and Boucle clutch. You will be missed.

4. The guy you went home with. Okay, last night this guy was h-o-t! He was witty and charming and so attentive to your needs; not once did he let you have an empty glass! Whether you met him at the pre-party, the bar, or on the way home (never a good sign), this dude - who seemed like a great idea at the time - is now nothing more than a big (or worse, tiny) mistake. Often, this error in judgment will use trickery and promises of rides on his family’s yacht to get you home with him, but come morning all he can offer is a ride home…if you’re lucky. High-tail it out of there and head to the nearest health clinic to make sure all he has given you is a bad memory. Read More »

So I’ve got to vent. Being a writer and all, it’s always easier for me to vent in the form of a letter, so here you go:

Dear America,

Are you a pedophile? If you could just admit that you are one, then I would at least understand your sick obsession with underage Hollywood girls and their bodies. But since you’re going to pretend like the way you view bodies and sex is normal, I have no choice but to be angry.

Miley Cyrus is supposed to feel badly about the pictures she’s recently taken. One set of pictures features her in her underwear. Another set features her showing her…her…disgustingly inappropriate…BACK.

So what if the girl took some pictures of herself in her underwear? How is that really any different from her going to the beach and having pictures taken of her in her bathing suit? Oh…let me guess…it’s about the context of it all. A girl showing her tummy and thighs when she’s NOT post-ocean and in public is out of line.

And so what if she was wearing a sheet in a photo shoot? Did her back and right arm really offend you or give your children nightmares? Read More »

Is your freshman year a little bumpier than expected? College making you feel more like an outsider than part of a community? Think you’re the only one with these problems?

Well, Seventeen magazine and MySpace want to ease your worries (and make a profit from our current reality TV craze) by giving the world a “web based reality program” called Freshman 15.

“The magazine and MySpace will follow 15 girls in print and online through the demanding first year of college”, each one from a different and “diverse” background.

According to one source, every girl will have her own MySpace profile that will be frequently updated with clips, pictures and blogs—which makes me think the whole thing will be a lot more manufactured than the producers are letting on.

And having cameras follow you around sort of defeats the purpose of being completely real, doesn’t it? Shouldn’t these girls be focusing on school and not on whether or not they got a comment on MySpace?

How much you want to bet these girls pull a Lauren Conrad and drop out as soon as the show hits the air?

Either way, Freshman 15 will debut in the October issue of Seventeen magazine and run through May 2008. Read More »

Reason 798 why the Internet creeps me out: (which is even weirder than reason 797: the government probably reading everything I’ve ever put on here), people not being who they say they are online.

Wired Magazine recently featured a story that is the mother of all mistaken Internet identity tales, and reads like some kind of psychotic Lifetime movie of the week. Stay with me now.

Thomas Montgomery, a 45-year-old husband of 16 years and father of two teenage girls was living a pretty uneventful life in upstate New York. After spending 12 years at the same boring job, something inside Montgomery must have snapped, causing the man to live a monotonous life no more—at least in cyberspace. Deciding to log onto the game and chat site Pogo.com as a “19-year-old marine” named Tommy who was getting ready to ship out to Iraq, stood 6 feet tall, and had a “9 inch dick”, Montgomery set out to live a double life.

And live it he did, once he began talking to a 16-year-old girl from Virginia named Jessi. Jessi fell in love with Montgomery’s Tommy, talking to him for hours at night and sending him G-strings in the mail. Read More »

Every once in awhile I like going out to bars, clubs, you name it. Buuuuut, I am not yet 21 and I nowhere near look like I am. Because of my short stature, people frequently ask me if I am in high school (and one time even junior high). I know, I know: in 20 years, I’ll be begging for people to think I’m in high school. But for right now, I just wanna pass as 21 so I can go out with my friends. Which is nearly impossible. I still get funny looks from waiters when I order off the adult menu.

So, I got a fake ID. I was lucky enough to inherit an actual old ID of a friend’s after she turned 21. While my friend and I look alike, she is 25 and 5′9. And yet, her ID has worked flawlessly time and time again, even when I don’t wear my seven - inch heels. How does it work, you ask? I follow a few basic steps: Read More »