Everyone on America’s Got Talent has a tragedy-riddled childhood, rife with addiction, overworked parents, a bout with homelessness, etc. Tonight’s contestants were no exception. The editing, sappy music and tears were actually more entertaining than tonight’s crop of piss-poor talent.

To prove my point, tonight’s episode was only an hour long and here’s how the time broke down:

22 Minutes Of Commercials
35 Minutes of Sob Stories
10 Minutes of The Hoff yelling unintelligible nonsense
2 Minutes of Talent

I’m no statistician but I think that’s about right.

Meet Kyle Rifkin, a prime example of one of the many sad sacks to grace the AGT stage. He’s got talent alright…talent for telling the saddest story ever. He sang on the street for nickels people. NICKELS. Grab a tissue or a free sleeve and let it all out.

Cross your fingers for a better episode next week. We need more crazies!