If any of the producers of What Not to Wear ever happen to read this article, please accept my personal cry for help and send me to Stacy and Clinton asap.

Though I can usually throw together something appropriate for work or special events, about half of my clothing inventory consists of utterly ridiculous garments. It doesn’t help that I’m sentimental and can’t discard my prom dresses five years later, or that I’m waiting for certain trends to come back (though I’m pretty sure sparkly, sleeveless, turtleneck sweaters were never in style to begin with). And it definitely doesn’t help that I went through a goth/punk phase that a small part of the “professional” me desperately wants to revert back to.

As we all get ready for back to school, many of us will rummage through our closets and get rid of last season’s most shameful shirts, skirts, dresses, and pants in order to make room in our tiny dorm closets for upcoming styles (that we will undoubtedly regret in 2009 or 2010).

Here are some of my particularly embarrassing items.

1. Drawstring Khakis

I think that any pants that don’t have a numerical size should be left alone. So, why I bought these “Size L” drawstring pants with floral embroidery at the bottom is beyond me. They don’t go with any shoes, the trim is tacky, and they are so baggy that they make my ass look like a misshaped Volvo. I used to wear them to lounge around, because a lack of a waist obviously equals comfort; however, I made the mistake of wearing them out of the house one extremely hungover day. In public. With friends. My friend turned to me and said, “If you ever wear those pants again, I will cut them off your body.” Point taken. Read More »

Because our usual I Love Money recapper is enjoying a summer vacay (lucky biatch), I was commissioned to watch and recap the most recent episode of the show. Now, I would just like to say that I watch a LOT of bad TV. A lot. My DVR currently holds too many episodes of What Not To Wear, some reruns of The Real Housewives of Orange County, Engaged and Underage and, of course, True Life, I’m a Staten Island Girl.

Yet, knowing all of that, I am still really embarrassed to have watched the trash also known as, I Love Money.
This show is trashier than The Real World, I Love New York and From G’s to Gents (yes, I have watched one episode of that train wreck) combined. I mean, seriously? Is VH1 for real with this show? There are just a bunch of REALLY dumb, really trashy people living in a house together…and having sex with other people in the room. And the names? Whiteboy? The Entertainer? DESTINEY?

I don’t know if I am watching TV or visiting a strip club.

I am not quite sure of the premise of the show, but I assume it is for all these freaks to try and win some money. And on last night’s episode, that somehow included making themselves cry with the aid of onions, cayenne pepper (that some moron RUBBED INTO HER EYES) and even some girl asking a dude to smack her in the face while her teammate tried (so hard) to be upset that she was away from her son.

Yeah. Seriously. Read More »

Sure, there’s a ton of actual good TV. For instance, the Discovery Channel has a lot of educational crap. (Disclaimer: I secretly love the Discovery Channel.)

But when I get home from a long day, I’m not looking for shark week. No sirree blog, I’m looking for some other organisms ripping each other apart and basking in the blood. That’s right: I’m looking forward to Reality TV. And, naturally, other crappy shows I can’t stop watching.

Look! Here’s a few!

(5) A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila
GOD this show blows! So why am I glued to the screen?
And why, when ****SPOILER ALERT******!!!!
Tila chose Kristy and Kristy rejected Tila, why, oh, why did I feel so deliciously vindicated–and then so bummed for Tila? Tila, you biznatch, you have a boyfriend and this is totally fake and everyone knows it! So put away your sweet, sweet alligator tears so I can stop feeling bad for you!!
Dammit.

(4) What Not To Wear
It’s the same every week! Literally! For years, the show has followed the same strict formula (ambush, commercial, 360 mirror/wardrobe trashing, commercial, shop alone pathetically, commercial, shop with Stacey and Clinton successfully, commercial, hair and makeup, commercial, show new look to Stacey and Clinton, commercial, show new look to family, and FIN). I mean, there is almost literally no variation. Once in a while, they do twins or something to mix it up–but still within the same mold. HOWEVER: I love this show. My boyfriend says Stacey and Clinton are the worst people he can imagine, but I want them to be my best friends. So. There you go. Read More »

I have about a seven block walk from the bus to work every morning. During those seven blocks, I’m usually craving caffeine so badly I’m blind to the world, but on the periodic occasions when my need for coffee isn’t all consuming, I tend to look around at what people are wearing. And you know what I’m noticing? Chicks are walking around in f*cking uncomfortable shoes.

For every pair of sensible sneaks, there are mile high heels, wobbly wedges, pointy-toed witch shoes, flatter than flat flats, and gladiator sandals that eat up half a person’s leg. And you know what? Because I’m a woman and have worn things like this in the past, I can guarantee that 87.9% of the shoes I see every day ARE NOT COMFORTABLE.

Thin-heeled pumps and tall wedges are pretty, and some are even acceptable to teeter around in for an hour or so, but spending an entire day is shoes like that – not to mention walking the streets of New York City – does nothing for us except propagate the idea that for a woman to be considered “put together”, she needs to be in fancy (read: hurty) shoes. Read More »

There are some attributes to the summer season that make it less than perfect. One of these is the prevalence of muffin top sightings, and I’ve just got to vent.

It’s not so much the muffin top in and of itself that irks me. It is OSTS, or One-Size-Too-Small Syndrome, afflicting so many girls that just baffles me.

Why do I refer to this…issue… as OSTS instead of the popular, Muffin Top? Well, in my humble opinion, the phrase “muffin top” implies that the offender is what she eats, and likely has a fondness for Oreos and Taco Bell. This simply is not always true. Skin hanging over your waistband does not mean fatness. I’ve seen girls who can’t possibly be any bigger than a size 4 with a muffin top, and it’s not that they’re at all chubby. Instead, it’s that they insist they’re a size two, and the end result in the obvious: OSTS. It’s not pretty. Read More »