Dear Boyfriend,

While you were at your frat’s campfire Friday night—I know, triple kegger! How could you not check it out? Life’s too short, bro!—I stayed in and watched “Camp Rock,” Disney Channel’s newest original movie starring The Jonas Brothers.

Let me tell you something; these “bros” are like three Prince Charmings, and you’re still just a frog—a frog with crappy hair gel and a dorm room that constantly smells like Jose Cuervo and dirty underwear.

After the movie, I got to thinking: the JoBros would collectively make a much better boyfriend than you. So without further adieu…

Here are the top 20 reasons why I’d rather date the Jonas Brothers: Read More »

Yes, I’m not ashamed to say it: I loved Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and I am really really excited for the release of the sequel, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantánamo Bay.

I’m not a stoner, and I don’t really find big boob jokes/pot jokes/fart jokes/beer jokes particularly funny. So why the heck did I like this film? Well, besides Neil Patrick Harris (fantastic) and White Castle (yum), I think the creators, Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg, are on to something here. The New York Times reviewed the new film recently, calling it a “stoner protest film”, due to the combination of drug humor and sharp political satire–what’s more, the review was actually quite positive.

For those of you who don’t know, Harold and Kumar’s first film involved two stoners determined to make it to White Castle in order to satisfy their munchies. The second film, however, as the name suggests, involves the ultimate stoner vacation (Amsterdam) gone horribly wrong. Harold, a Korean-American, and Kumar, an Indian-American are thrown off their flight after trying to light up in the bathroom. An overzealous Homeland Security officer draws the conclusion that North Korea and Al Quada have teamed up, and throws both of them in Guantánamo Bay. Hyjinks ensue, of course, but so does a very interesting treatment of race in the post-9/11 era. Read More »

Through the years, I’ve slept with a lot more people in my mind than I’ve slept with in the physical sense. Actually, the latter number would be zero, but that’s not the point. The point is…in my mind, I’ve been with some of Hollywood’s finest. And yeah, I’ve had my memorable moments, but let’s face it: if Indiana Jones forgets your name and is out of town 90% of the time, can you honestly say he’s boyfriend material?

Here’s the lowdown on all the hotties I’ve mentally massaged:

Indiana Jones: Indy makes his love much like you might describe him: rough and dirty. Holy cow, he sure is good in bed, but it’s a little weird that he never takes that fedora off. He also doesn’t seem to care much about protection (I think he fed me a line like, “Where do you think I’m going to get a condom? CVS?”), and he never calls in the morning… probably because he seems to think my name is “Veronica.”

Nick Carter: The baby face of the Backstreet Boys is pretty inexperienced, and it shows. When you’re sleeping with Nick, you smile because he’s just so darn cute, but there’s also a part of you that wants to hightail it out of there as soon as possible. Yeah, it always seems like a good idea at first, but most often I find myself snaking through the piles of video games to get out of his room at 5 in the morning. Read More »